Just Like That, I am Back

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 If I said I was back, would you believe me? Blogging is complicated, and there are so many "get rich quick" blogging schemes that make it look like you are a lost cause if you are not currently earning money blogging. And why are you even blogging if you don't have multiple streams of income and entertainment. If you don't have a brand? I do have this website, but I do not have Instagram, Twitter, TikTok (you don't want to see me dance), or whatever is next.  Heck, I haven't even updated this since before the pandemic. So why am I here, writing about being back and then, probably ghosting for another two years? Life has been rough. It's been painful and overwhelming. I am so thankful for you my readers, or what is left of you. I am so thankful you are reading this post. I am so thankful that you are still committed to making the world a more exciting and more sustainable place.  Keep up-cycling my friends, and you never know, I might be back again with an

June Cleaver Doesn't Exist

Sometimes it is hard to know where to start.

First off I am so grateful to be able to stay home with my children. I love that I can do it and I am fine making the sacrifices that we need to make to live off of one income. This is not a post about self-pity, poor me, or anything ridiculous like that. I just want to be upfront, honest, and hopefully others will relate.

I am a Stay at Home Mom, crafter, occasional freelance writer, but mainly a momma. I have also battled severe depression for the past 21 years.

I have been on and off medication since I was fifteen and am currently taking 50mg of Zoloft a day. I decided to go off my medication about six months ago and honestly, it was a miserable failure. Without medication I was a mess, I couldn't stop crying, and frankly barely wanted to get out of bed. I went back on my medication two weeks ago and things are drastically better.

Sometimes its just hard, being a mom, being happy, cleaning, cutting coupons, and feeling like the world is going along swimmingly.

I have these fears that seem to linger. Fears that stem from my decision to quit my job and stay home. Questions like, what the heck am I going to do when the kids go back to school? Do I have any marketable skills left? Is the world passing me by?

You watch your working friends advance their careers while you are changing diapers. I do feel jealous at time. I want that human conversation that goes beyond the latest episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

My children are my world, but because of this my relationships with friends that don't have children are suffering. My relationships with my friends that do have kids should be strengthening, but for some reason children nowadays have these mad schedules and I can never seem to make time between "activities" to get together. Even though I am always on the go I am lonely.

I question myself, am I a good enough parent, then I have to bake for a bake-sale and life goes on. The fears and loneliness slip into the background and everything is fine. I go on.

How much of the loneliness is the depression, and how much is just life? I don't think anyone has it easy, regardless of whether they have depression or are perfectly balanced. Sure having to take a medication that makes you forget the names of words you should know sucks, but at least I am getting out of bed and actively participating in my kids lives.

I don't think anything I am thinking or feeling anything the rest of the stay at home moms I know don't feel at one time or another. I think a lot of working moms feel the same way. We look so happy and together on the outside, but have these doubts and insecurities on the inside just waiting till we are alone to rear their ugly heads. We just hide so much from our friends for fear of being judged, or thought to be a little off, and that is probably why we feel so alone at times.

The big thing we need to remember is that we are not alone. We need to let people know that we are struggling and that we are not the perfect little June Cleaver's of yesterday, and chances are she was so hopped up on Valium anyway.

That is why I wanted to let everyone know a little about my life. In part to make me more of a real person, but in part because I know that other people out there feel the same way, have the same problems, and feel so darn alone when they really don't have to.

Thanks for listening,

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Comments

Unknown said…
Thanks for sharing! I suffered some serious PPD after my 3rd child and really wrestled with so many of the same feelings that you mentioned. I hated feeling like I was on the outside looking into my family, not really participating in life or even enjoying it. Thankfully after finally getting on some meds a year after my son was born, I started to feel much better. I started working out religiously and that was my saving grace. I was only on the meds for a year, and feel like the exercise I get now helps me to stay out of a "funk". But believe me, I've been where you are and totally understand the feeling. I make sure I share my experience with other moms because I think talking about it helps remove some of the stigma from it. Hugs to you!

Rachel
http://www.holy-craft.blogspot.com
I can definitely relate to many of things you are feeling, or feel at times.

It just hit me, though, how so many women think they have to live up to the "June Cleaver" persona, when in actuality she is a FICTIONAL character! Not real! She didn't have to actually parent or clean or cook or anything. She just had to pretend to! We need to cut ourselves some slack ladies! :)
I am so glad you posted the reality of life. We are not June Cleaver (actually I am June Walker!) I have dealt with some of the same issues. It gets better, meds help. And dust bunnies can become temporary pets!
Michelle L. said…
What a wonderful honest post, Robin! I have experienced plenty of my own version of what you're talking about, although I don't have kids...I think part of the constant questioning of ourselves tends to be built into the feminine psyche. One of the things you should know when you doubt, is that you really do make a lot of people happy - including people out here on the internet. Perfection is not required, just kindness and doing what you can, when you can. I'm sorry you've had a rough time as you are describing. There's so much goodness and creativity in you, I hope you can own it and feel okay. Hooray for meds! (Sometimes they are truly necessary, even though there are people who will cavil and disagree. It's YOUR chemistry, dangit, you do what works for YOU.)

Mich
Hang in there! I'm sure you're doing a great job with your kids, and you're doing what you need to to be there for them.
Unknown said…
Two things have saved me as a stayhome mom. One a weekly date with my husband (even if it's just to get away from the kids and walk around the library), two, a weekly lunch date with a friend (any friend) with or without kids.

I take medication too. I don't ever plan to go off of it. Why would i want to if it makes me feel normal? Doesn't everyone benefit from me feeling normal?

Love the honesty.

Try not to worry about the future. Just live in the moment. The moments are beautiful. You just have to look deeper.
AnnaPK said…
We all feel those things at times. One of the main things that helps me is creating. Blogs like yours help me feel connected with others who enjoy the things I do (sewing, making crafts, playing with my kids, to name a few). Thank you for being there!
Two Dollars said…
good job posting this! :)
-Stefanie
2ndChanceCreaitons.etsy.com
Marlene said…
I am down the road a bit. Mine are now 18 and 22 and no, I never did go back to work. I, too worried about the whole "will I still have marketable skills" thing but at 52 my wants have changed. I spend a lot of time doing volunteer work. I am enjoying having some time to myself at this stage of life. I actually don't think I want to go back to work now. The volunteer thing lets you pick and chose when you want to work. (And gives you adults to talk to!) Just for the record, I still take my little 50 mg Zoloft. :)
Jess said…
I think that's a great point that June Cleaver is a fictional character. Maybe it's similar to how we hold Barbie (another fictional character) up as the standard for body images.
The world needs more people being honest about the truth of being a woman and a mom. Good for you!
Liz said…
Thanks for sharing x
Emily said…
Everytime I read your blog I think we have more and more in common. You are not alone. I know we've only shared e-mails, but I will gladly talk if you ever need an ear who's in the same situation.
Emily
domesticdeadline.blogspot.com

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